During our Christmas holidays I didn’t spend much time dwelling on my healing journey. Yesterday I put focus on setting up my calendar for 2017 and immediately found myself overwhelmed by the uncertainty of the timing of my recovery. My doctor suggested that I could be on crutches 3- 4 months. There is a speaking engagement set for March that will require me to climb stairs. Will I be able to do that? More dates set up for April followed by a big, nearly sold out retreat in May.

• I recognize the deep frustration.
• I stop to tap for about 3 minutes.
• The feeling lets up.
• I find myself settling into recognition that nobody knows what’s ahead.
• I am not alone in this.

Our calendars give us some sense of order, but truly we all know that a snowstorm, illness or a sudden cancellation can put all of that order right back into chaos. It’s an illusion. I don’t need to hold on to illusions. Deep breath and I’m back to neutral, at least for now. I love how tapping allows this settling of my total self – my head, heart and spirit.

Ten days before surgery, I find myself feeling very sad. Christmas officially ended as I hugged my son early this morning as he departed for Chicago. There was that same heart tug when my daughter left us on Monday, but today makes it final. These departures hit a little harder now because I honestly don’t know when I will see either of them next.

I sit down with my journal and silently ask what it is I need to heal today. The answer surfaces quickly – you need to deal with the risk of death. That kind of surprised me because normally I am very calm about death. My medical team has reviewed the list with me – blood clots, infection, loss of blood, complications and I thought I was fine with that. I started writing a list of what I needed to do, say and prepare for if the worst were to happen. That stirred up a big lump in my throat and tears. Huge emotions and feelings I did not fully understand.

When I prepare to tap for my own care, there is a process that I go through mentally, tapping and speaking simultaneously as I go through each of these steps:

1. Stating each fear, feeling and unpleasant thought that surfaces as the truth, integrating all of the above into my set-up statements.
2. Accepting those feelings completely and choosing to love and honor myself with these feelings.
3. Asking myself questions about these feelings and what they are really about.
4. Exploring the depths of what I truly believe, as well as what I could believe instead.
5. Projecting all beliefs into the future to examine each alternative reality
6. As my body calms down, integrating my preferred reality by focusing on those details and tapping them into my awareness.
7. Checking back on my present state and my overall level of wellbeing. Deep breaths and journaling to capture the wisdom.

Today’s self-care time was intense and valuable. The lump in my throat is gone. The new reality is one where there is so much left to do, so many people who love and need me, and so much delight yet to be explored in this body. I am also committed to being more loving than ever before.

As I finished today’s journal entry, my husband entered the kitchen to grab his keys and head to the gym. I sprang from my seat, pulled him to my heart, kissed him passionately and said, “I love you”. Maybe he was a little surprised, however today begins a bigger commitment to living the presence of love, in spite of an uncertain future.

Maybe it’s a promise you’ll also make for yourself in the year ahead.