My surgery took place without incident last Tuesday. Pondering what I needed to share today, I am keenly aware of shedding more tears in the past 2 weeks than at any other point in my entire life. It’s important to emphasize that while I am comfortable and healing really well, a number of dark things have been messing with me. Tears have helped bring powerful healing releases.
About a week before surgery, a terrifying event happened. I found myself calling 911 after the most important person in my life collapsed and stopped breathing. It had happened before and I had tapped mightily to clear the previous traumatic memory, however going through it again and so close to my surgery, brought me to my knees. In an instant my world changed and I contemplated cancelling the surgery. The worst part was suffering in silence, having promised not to speak of it beyond our closest circle.
Of course I honored his request for privacy, but it came at a cost. Suffering silently was isolating and draining. I also felt compelled to put all of my energy into being a vessel for channeling healing to him, for whatever was going on to make it better. I wrote in my journal, tapped on my fears, consulted with a small segment of my healer community and prayed. The help I needed finally came through a Soul Detective session with Barbara Stone PhD, which had been scheduled as a simple pre-surgical boost on the Trinfinity 8 machine. When I arrived for my appointment, Barbara sensed the huge disruption in my energy, helping me work through the feelings and the realization that I did not have permission to do healing work for my husband at this time. The session went deeply into my fears about losing him and allowed me to fully accept that no matter what, the two of us would always be together, safe and absolutely okay. I was given a strong image of my husband holding me tight. It was a very moving, tearful session that brought me from peak distress to calm. From there, I had the T8 treatment and went home walking on air. I was able to reclaim my energy and no longer waste it trying to do something I did not have permission to do. The reality of the situation had not changed, but my orientation to it had. I could be peaceful.
From there, I experienced a full week of pre-surgery peace. I was able to eat only nutrient-packed organic food and eliminated sugar. Every day I chose inner work on something that might stir me up and I worked through each worry using EFT it as a preventative measure. I worked on my fears about IV’s (passing out and painful needle insertion), poor road conditions the day of surgery, swelling and my possible reaction to anesthesia and pain medications. I felt myself getting stronger and stronger.
The day of surgery came and went splendidly. The IV proved to be no big deal, roads were decent enough, anesthesia during surgery minimized due to use of nerve blocks and no pain medication needed whatsoever during the next 24 hours. I was amazed that it went so smoothly and felt on top of the world.
That was UNTIL the nerve block suddenly stopped at 5 pm on Wednesday.
I have never EVER felt the kind of pain that hit me in that instant and lasted a good hour before the medication kicked in. It was terrifying. I wept and all my husband could do was hold me. I will forever view physical pain very differently. What struck me in the midst of it all was that I was living the exact vision I had been given of being held by my husband during last week’s session with Barbara. I also managed to somehow send a text to a few healer friends in the middle of this ordeal to appeal for prayers and whatever help they could send. I felt this help come in and surrendered to it. Lots of humble frightened tears were shed in that one hour and big healing happened. By 10 pm I was comfortable and able to sleep.
The third flood of healing tears came just one day ago. I was feeling a bit down, mostly because it had been a full week since doing my daily ritual of the Five Tibetan Exercises as well as my last Jazzercise class. I was grieving those happy body feelings and they way movement balances me. As a remedy, I decided to power up my favorite iTunes playlist. It is the one I used to use for running before my injury and has my all time favorites from Michael Jackson, Madonna, Earth Wind and Fire and it is awesome. Set on shuffle, as soon as the first song began to play, I closed my eyes and imagined myself out on a summer morning, running, dancing and moving. I tapped along with the song and added some cross crawls. Tears flowed for the next 30 minutes as I delighted in what I love and what I can imagine. I think my energy field got a workout, even if my heavy cast-weary leg wasn’t able to do much. The healing release of my sacred playlist was sweet and pure. I was humbled by the simple grace of it and also how easily repeatable this routine could be from now until when I am able to move more vigorously. It can be so easy to miss the simple things, yet I am blessed having caught this one.
There are many other healing forces that have stepped up to help me, but I will save those for a future post. For now, I’m especially grateful for the tear-filled moments that boosted my faith and pulled me up into a brighter place.
