Relationships can be messy and complicated. Add stress and it can become explosive. My husband George and I have been married for 35+ years, and for the most part enjoy very open and positive communication. Around the time of the launch of my book, The Comeback, in late 2019, I was under more stress than usual and George, being a very private person, didn’t enjoy all of the attention being drawn to his brain injury and recovery.
On the day following our big book launch party, George went in for what we thought would be a routine cardiac catheterization and to our surprise a narrow artery was discovered requiring a stent and overnight hospitalization. Neither one of us expected it and that’s where things got complicated.
I suddenly found myself overcome and triggered by this news, the monitors and medical surroundings. George became a rebellious patient who was barely out of the OR, pulling at his IV trying to get dressed to go home. I was terrified for his safety and he was yelling at me for being concerned. He told me to go home….and so I did. I was so mad, I told him to call an Uber for a ride home when he was released.
My time at home without him gave me a chance to cool down and find the perspective needed. I tapped on my fears and feelings. I prayed to receive guidance. I was hurting and he probably was too.
As I prayed, I asked “George – What is it like to be you?” “What are you feeling?’
A stream of answers came to me and I wrote them down. These responses reflected the fear, uncertainty and even anger surrounding his situation and his lack of control over the events of the past 2 weeks. I felt the intensity of it.
Next – I took a few minutes to make a list of the many things I was experiencing including feelings of being afraid for his health and being unappreciated and disrespected. I also wrote down what I needed from him. I eventually decided to summarize these things in a letter, including the list of what I perceived he was feeling. In it, I asked him to change anything I had written about his feelings that was incorrect.
When he eventually returned home, (yes – I did pick him up from the hospital, but it was a very silent ride) I gave him the letter and left to run an errand.
What happened next? When I returned home, he tearfully hugged me and said my perceptions were correct. He apologized for dismissing my feelings and promised to be more appreciative and respectful. The letter had helped to clear the air. From that point on, we were both kinder to one another. I received more of what I needed and he felt understood too.
Maybe this kind of letter would help you reconnect with someone after a misunderstanding. Your feelings are truth and it helps to clarify the truth from both sides. Putting yourself in the shoes of the other gives love a chance to take center stage again.
